I had an idea for a series of little radio plays where answerphone messages tells the whole story. This is one of them.
ANSWERPHONE VOICE
You have – eighteen – messages.
FX: BEEP
ALAN
(BRIGHTLY) Carla? It’s Alan, darling. Are you at home? I’m sorry love, I’m not going to make it back for dinner: Claude made me stay back again for some boring problem with the Hayes account. Forgive me won’t you? I’ll be there as soon as I can – might be quite late – don’t wait up. And, you know: I can’t wait to be in your arms…
FX: BEEP
BEATRICE
(BREEZILY) Alan? Beatrice. You did say the Hilton Park Lane didn’t you? They can’t find your reservation at reception. Looks a bit better than that sleazy place in Paddington last time… O no, it’s OK, they have it. (CONSPIRATORIALLY) Hurry up, I can’t wait!
FX: BEEP
BEATRICE
(SLIGHTLY MERRY) Alan, where are you?
(POUTING) I’ve been waiting ages all on my own! Don’t tell me you’re –
(SHARPLY) O hang on this isn’t your mobile number – O shit!
FX: BEEP
ALAN
(GINGERLY) Er… Darling!
PAUSE
Did you listen to the messages, darling? Are you there? Pick up why don’t you? Darling?
PAUSE
(TENSELY) There’s been a bit of a… silly… mistake!
FX: BEEP
ALAN
(ATTEMPTING TO BE BRIGHT, BUT TENSE) Darling? You’re probably thinking – but it’s OK. Yes it was Beatrice. She was just – just playing a silly joke. You know what she’s like! She, er, phoned me you see at work about – something – and heard you were alone so she thought wouldn’t it be funny? I’m still at work now and…
BEAT
…well, pick up if you can hear this. Carla?
PAUSE THEN
FX: SOUND OF FUMBLED PHONE CRADLING
FX: BEEP
BEATRICE
(SLIGHTLY SLOSHED AND A LITTLE HINT OF PANIC) Carla! Are you there? It’s Beatrice. Alan told me to call, er, look, I was a little tipsy. Yes I was – it was a joke, like he said. Yes it was. Really! So forget about it, OK? Bye!
FX: BEEP
ALAN
I got your text. I don’t know why Claude said I’m not there. I really am in the office with my head down. Working on the um…
BEAT
…Hayes account. He’s, I suppose, stuck in his office and didn’t notice I’m still here, you know what he’s like. Just wait there, darling, I will get back.
FX: BEEP
BEATRICE
(MORE SLOSHED) Carla! Alan is worried about you so he made me call again. Look… You see… the funny thing is, I am a little tipsy. Waiting for him all that time. And you see…
(SUDDENLY ANGRY) Oh for goodness’ sake Alan I can’t do this! No stop it Alan, I’m going to tell her the truth! – she’s my best friend: at least I owe her that.
(MORE THOUGHTFUL) Was my best friend. I guess not now, Carla. We go back to… god!... well, long before you Alan!
BEAT
(CALMLY NOW, PULLING HERSELF TOGETHER) Yes, Carla, he’s with me. Yes, I’ve been… we’ve been…
BEAT
…right behind your back. So tonight the little shit kept us both waiting didn’t he?
BEAT
I really wanted to tell you before but he begged me. I…I’m so sorry…
FX: BEEP
ALAN
(URGENTLY, PLEADING) It’s, it’s not like that Carla! I mean I was with Beatrice, yes, but it was just…. (FACING AWAY FROM RECEIVER, LOUDLY) Stop it!
(BACK TO RECEIVER) I was with her but just for…
(FACING AWAY AGAIN) Beatrice, please!
FX: BEEP!
BEATRICE
(MORE SOBER, CALM AND MEASURED) Carla, I hope you listen to this. I’m downstairs in the bar now. Yes. I was with him. That shit. In a way I’m glad this has happened. I know you’ll be pretty angry with both of us right now. I just kind of drifted into it. He’s such a charmer isn’t he? Or can be if he feels like it. I felt awful going behind your back like that and… And you know the funny thing? I think he was two timing me as well. Well, you can’t really two time the mistress I suppose. Three timing?
SMALL, BITTER LAUGH TO HERSELF
O Carla, forgive me. Your friendship means more to me than anything, And I’ve done this to you. You must think I’m an absolute bitch. Please: let’s talk.
FX: BEEP
ALAN
(PANICKED) Carla! What do you mean: “End it all?” You can’t just send a text like that and expect people to… well… Look, darling, pick up the phone and let’s talk it through before you do anything silly…
BEAT
(DAWNING REALISATION) Or did you mean “end us” – “end our relationship”? Darling, don’t be daft. Let’s talk it through OK? Arguing by text is not the way. Call me.
FX: BEEP
BEATRICE
(SOME DAYS LATER, FRESH AND CALM) Carla, I’ve made the booking. You know, you’re so cool about this. I would totally understand if you didn’t want to see me again. I enjoyed the chat last night. I hope you’re sleeping it off now. Something about the scales falling from our eyes?
CHUCKLING
Whatever.
BEAT
Now I see what a total idiot I was. We had such a meeting of minds about him, didn’t we? Somehow it feels like we are closer than ever. It was just like the old days when we chatted deep into the night about men and, oh, everything and nothing. O, by the way, I checked about that receipt: your suspicions were right: that was definitely a time I wasn’t shagging Alan. So there is another poor bitch being shafted by that bastard. Anyway, I’ll pick you up just before one; I’ve booked the Ayurveda Spa; it will be just like old times!
FX: BEEP
ALAN
(SUPPRESSED ANGER) Carla. This is stupid! I know I’ve been… it was nothing, really, with Beatrice. I really wouldn’t have done anything to hurt you, but she practically… well, practically forced me into it. She can be a real charmer when she has a mind to. And she was your best friend too! I always said there was something about her, didn’t I? Really, I’m being totally honest with you now, Carla. Look, I can understand your anger. But locking me out? And no, I can’t afford to stay in the Hilton every night. I only did it for a few nights. Only stayed there I mean…
(EXASPERATED) O, you know what I mean!
BEAT
(GATHERING HIMSELF; PLEADING) Remember the good times we had. I don’t know what that bitch Beatrice has been saying. She was always a bad influence on you. It was nothing. I’m lost, darling. Lost. Really.
BEAT
Call me.
FX: BEEP
BEATRICE
Carla, dear. That was delightful. You can’t beat a good firm massage and a good slag about men. Who needs ‘em? Mind you, that masseur….! I think we about got Alan in perspective today, both of us. It was so good to spend time with you and not feel guilty any more.
FX: BEEP
ALAN
Carla?
FX: BEEP
ALAN
Carla!
FX: BEEP
ALAN
Carla, you’re driving me crazy. I’m sitting right outside the house in the car. For over an hour now. I was going to come and bang on the door. Or something. I don’t know.
BEAT
I’m just going crazy, Carla. I miss you. And the house of course. You know, I could have sworn there was someone else in there just now. I phoned, but you never pick up. I’m just sitting here, ready to come in if you ask, Carla…
BEAT
Wishful thinking, I suppose. Then I thought I saw a shadow on the curtains just now. Another shadow, close to you. But I know you’ve never looked at another man, and you always said you never could.
(MORE PLEADING NOW) Look, I’m sorry. Really really sorry. I’ve blown it, I know, but we can work this out.
(SUDDENLY ANGRY) Stupid stupid stupid.
(TRYING TO CALM DOWN, BREATHING HEAVILY) I confess. Now please let me back. Enough. I need you. I’m lost without you.
(LAPSING INTO SELF PITY) I’m a real mess.
BEAT
Pick up, Carla. Please.
BEAT
I’m going now.
BEAT
Carla?
FX: BEEP
CARLA
(BRIGHT AND CHATTY) Hi, it’s Carla! I wanted to talk, but I guess you went to your yoga after all. My god it’s terrible being back at work! Call me when you get back. As soon as. These last few days have changed me, liberated me. I guess we had to go through Alan to realize what it was all about. That was really spooky last night, with his car running outside, and that weird message. Thanks for helping me through it. Well, now I’m free of him, for good. And now I’ve got you. I love you so much. I just never realized how much before. Call me as soon as you get in, my love. I’ll be back as soon as I can – I can’t wait to be in your arms, my darling darling Beatrice…’
FX: BEEP
ANSWERPHONE VOICE
End of messages.
