AV will tear us apart

At the time of the AV referendum, the New Statesman competition called for popular songs on this theme.

I thought you were a joke –

My wrong presupposition:

The first time that we spoke,

I loved your proposition.

(Violins and drums kick in)

Before we met I’d planned

More years in opposition,

But then you took my hand:

We formed a coalition.

But the pact that we wrote had a flaw in store:

The alternative vote means declaring war.

There’s a lump in my throat as I clutch at yours:

AV will tear us apart.

(Chorus, with gospel choir)

AV will tear us apart again.

I realize I’m a tart again

And politics a black art again.

Blind power made it seem so smart:

AV will tear us apart.

(Pause, key change and repeat chorus)

condensed religions

This NS competition asked for a summary of world religions - in 125 words or less!

Catholicism: one God with three manifestations; fun allowed if you confess; pray in special place once a week; lots of candles and incense.

Protestantism: ditto (but fewer candles); fun allowed if you feel guilty; pray every day.

Calvinism: ditto, but no candles, no fun and feel guilty anyway; pray constantly.

Anglicanism: up to you, really (candles optional); pray at harvest festival, weddings.

Islam: one God, one Prophet; pray four times a day.

Paganism: lots of Gods, lots of fun, lots of candles and incense; pray in wooded place.

Hinduism: lots of Gods, lots of fun; but know your place.

Buddhism: ‘God’? ‘Fun’? ‘Place’?

Taoism: more Luck than Judgement.

Scientology: more Money than Sense.

After the tone : THE AFFAIR

I had an idea for a series of little radio plays where answerphone messages tells the whole story. This is one of them.

ANSWERPHONE VOICE

You have – eighteen – messages.

FX: BEEP

ALAN

(BRIGHTLY) Carla? It’s Alan, darling. Are you at home? I’m sorry love, I’m not going to make it back for dinner: Claude made me stay back again for some boring problem with the Hayes account. Forgive me won’t you? I’ll be there as soon as I can – might be quite late – don’t wait up. And, you know: I can’t wait to be in your arms…

FX: BEEP

BEATRICE

(BREEZILY) Alan? Beatrice. You did say the Hilton Park Lane didn’t you? They can’t find your reservation at reception. Looks a bit better than that sleazy place in Paddington last time… O no, it’s OK, they have it. (CONSPIRATORIALLY) Hurry up, I can’t wait!

FX: BEEP

BEATRICE

(SLIGHTLY MERRY) Alan, where are you?

(POUTING) I’ve been waiting ages all on my own! Don’t tell me you’re –

(SHARPLY) O hang on this isn’t your mobile number – O shit!

FX: BEEP

ALAN

(GINGERLY) Er… Darling!

PAUSE

Did you listen to the messages, darling? Are you there? Pick up why don’t you? Darling?

PAUSE

(TENSELY) There’s been a bit of a… silly… mistake!

FX: BEEP

ALAN

(ATTEMPTING TO BE BRIGHT, BUT TENSE) Darling? You’re probably thinking – but it’s OK. Yes it was Beatrice. She was just – just playing a silly joke. You know what she’s like! She, er, phoned me you see at work about – something – and heard you were alone so she thought wouldn’t it be funny? I’m still at work now and…

BEAT

…well, pick up if you can hear this. Carla?

PAUSE THEN

FX: SOUND OF FUMBLED PHONE CRADLING

FX: BEEP

BEATRICE

(SLIGHTLY SLOSHED AND A LITTLE HINT OF PANIC) Carla! Are you there? It’s Beatrice. Alan told me to call, er, look, I was a little tipsy. Yes I was – it was a joke, like he said. Yes it was. Really! So forget about it, OK? Bye!

FX: BEEP

ALAN

I got your text. I don’t know why Claude said I’m not there. I really am in the office with my head down. Working on the um…

BEAT

…Hayes account. He’s, I suppose, stuck in his office and didn’t notice I’m still here, you know what he’s like. Just wait there, darling, I will get back.

FX: BEEP

BEATRICE

(MORE SLOSHED) Carla! Alan is worried about you so he made me call again. Look… You see… the funny thing is, I am a little tipsy. Waiting for him all that time. And you see…

(SUDDENLY ANGRY) Oh for goodness’ sake Alan I can’t do this! No stop it Alan, I’m going to tell her the truth! – she’s my best friend: at least I owe her that.

(MORE THOUGHTFUL) Was my best friend. I guess not now, Carla. We go back to… god!... well, long before you Alan!

BEAT

(CALMLY NOW, PULLING HERSELF TOGETHER) Yes, Carla, he’s with me. Yes, I’ve been… we’ve been…

BEAT

…right behind your back. So tonight the little shit kept us both waiting didn’t he?

BEAT

I really wanted to tell you before but he begged me. I…I’m so sorry…

FX: BEEP

ALAN

(URGENTLY, PLEADING) It’s, it’s not like that Carla! I mean I was with Beatrice, yes, but it was just…. (FACING AWAY FROM RECEIVER, LOUDLY) Stop it!

(BACK TO RECEIVER) I was with her but just for…

(FACING AWAY AGAIN) Beatrice, please!

FX: BEEP!

BEATRICE

(MORE SOBER, CALM AND MEASURED) Carla, I hope you listen to this. I’m downstairs in the bar now. Yes. I was with him. That shit. In a way I’m glad this has happened. I know you’ll be pretty angry with both of us right now. I just kind of drifted into it. He’s such a charmer isn’t he? Or can be if he feels like it. I felt awful going behind your back like that and… And you know the funny thing? I think he was two timing me as well. Well, you can’t really two time the mistress I suppose. Three timing?

SMALL, BITTER LAUGH TO HERSELF

O Carla, forgive me. Your friendship means more to me than anything, And I’ve done this to you. You must think I’m an absolute bitch. Please: let’s talk.

FX: BEEP

ALAN

(PANICKED) Carla! What do you mean: “End it all?” You can’t just send a text like that and expect people to… well… Look, darling, pick up the phone and let’s talk it through before you do anything silly…

BEAT

(DAWNING REALISATION) Or did you mean “end us” – “end our relationship”? Darling, don’t be daft. Let’s talk it through OK? Arguing by text is not the way. Call me.

FX: BEEP

BEATRICE

(SOME DAYS LATER, FRESH AND CALM) Carla, I’ve made the booking. You know, you’re so cool about this. I would totally understand if you didn’t want to see me again. I enjoyed the chat last night. I hope you’re sleeping it off now. Something about the scales falling from our eyes?

CHUCKLING

Whatever.

BEAT

Now I see what a total idiot I was. We had such a meeting of minds about him, didn’t we? Somehow it feels like we are closer than ever. It was just like the old days when we chatted deep into the night about men and, oh, everything and nothing. O, by the way, I checked about that receipt: your suspicions were right: that was definitely a time I wasn’t shagging Alan. So there is another poor bitch being shafted by that bastard. Anyway, I’ll pick you up just before one; I’ve booked the Ayurveda Spa; it will be just like old times!

FX: BEEP

ALAN

(SUPPRESSED ANGER) Carla. This is stupid! I know I’ve been… it was nothing, really, with Beatrice. I really wouldn’t have done anything to hurt you, but she practically… well, practically forced me into it. She can be a real charmer when she has a mind to. And she was your best friend too! I always said there was something about her, didn’t I? Really, I’m being totally honest with you now, Carla. Look, I can understand your anger. But locking me out? And no, I can’t afford to stay in the Hilton every night. I only did it for a few nights. Only stayed there I mean…

(EXASPERATED) O, you know what I mean!

BEAT

(GATHERING HIMSELF; PLEADING) Remember the good times we had. I don’t know what that bitch Beatrice has been saying. She was always a bad influence on you. It was nothing. I’m lost, darling. Lost. Really.

BEAT

Call me.

FX: BEEP

BEATRICE

Carla, dear. That was delightful. You can’t beat a good firm massage and a good slag about men. Who needs ‘em? Mind you, that masseur….! I think we about got Alan in perspective today, both of us. It was so good to spend time with you and not feel guilty any more.

FX: BEEP

ALAN

Carla?

FX: BEEP

ALAN

Carla!

FX: BEEP

ALAN

Carla, you’re driving me crazy. I’m sitting right outside the house in the car. For over an hour now. I was going to come and bang on the door. Or something. I don’t know.

BEAT

I’m just going crazy, Carla. I miss you. And the house of course. You know, I could have sworn there was someone else in there just now. I phoned, but you never pick up. I’m just sitting here, ready to come in if you ask, Carla…

BEAT

Wishful thinking, I suppose. Then I thought I saw a shadow on the curtains just now. Another shadow, close to you. But I know you’ve never looked at another man, and you always said you never could.

(MORE PLEADING NOW) Look, I’m sorry. Really really sorry. I’ve blown it, I know, but we can work this out.

(SUDDENLY ANGRY) Stupid stupid stupid.

(TRYING TO CALM DOWN, BREATHING HEAVILY) I confess. Now please let me back. Enough. I need you. I’m lost without you.

(LAPSING INTO SELF PITY) I’m a real mess.

BEAT

Pick up, Carla. Please.

BEAT

I’m going now.

BEAT

Carla?

FX: BEEP

CARLA

(BRIGHT AND CHATTY) Hi, it’s Carla! I wanted to talk, but I guess you went to your yoga after all. My god it’s terrible being back at work! Call me when you get back. As soon as. These last few days have changed me, liberated me. I guess we had to go through Alan to realize what it was all about. That was really spooky last night, with his car running outside, and that weird message. Thanks for helping me through it. Well, now I’m free of him, for good. And now I’ve got you. I love you so much. I just never realized how much before. Call me as soon as you get in, my love. I’ll be back as soon as I can – I can’t wait to be in your arms, my darling darling Beatrice…’

FX: BEEP

ANSWERPHONE VOICE

End of messages.

Gardener's lament

Another NS comp entry

I snip and clip

And trim each tip

Of ivy, bamboo and furze.

I prune the rose

As each shoot grows.

It’s such fun with my secateurs.

I slit and chop

And lop and crop -

Such speed that the gadget blurs!

I branches dissever

For ever and ever,

Thanks to my secateurs.

I cut a dash!

I gash and slash

And prune, and I cleave the burrs;

I thin and cut -

No if nor but -

Just a flick of my secateurs.

I trim and slice

Not once, but twice -

As Monty Don always prefers.

I lop and sunder

The growth that’s under,

Lash out with my secateurs.

Once more for luck!

I nip and tuck

And no single plant demurs.

No errant leaf

Will cause me grief –

I attack with my secateurs.

But

When I look back

I see a lack

Of green, and a thought occurs:

There’s nix but sticks!

What awful tricks

Have been played by my secateurs.

"It couldn't happen here"

“With nearly half a million people now evacuated from the 30km exclusion zone around Dungeness, Hastings and Folkestone, the pressure on areas such as North Kent, West Sussex and even London have not eased at all over the last few weeks. Many others from outside the exclusion zone have also decided to move away..." Day 1 “Large-scale military movements in the Romney Marsh area last night were described today by a Ministry of Defence spokesperson as a ‘routine contingency exercise’ taken to test defences against terrorists entering the country illegally. Over to our defence correspondent, Caroline Wyatt.” “It is unusual for military manoeuvres to be undertaken suddenly and at night with no prior warning. Local residents have reported hearing loud bangs from the direction of the Dungeness nuclear power station…”  Day 2 “Pictures have emerged of military vehicles passing through Lydd, near Dungeness. Local resident, Bryan Perkins, who filmed this on his mobile, reports that troop carriers and light armoured vehicles moved at speed and forcibly stopped local traffic movements. All flights in and out of Lydd Airport have been cancelled and the area remains closed to anyone except residents. The government remain tight lipped about the situation, but it seems clear that this is more than an exercise…”  Day 3 “Downing Street has just announced that a prime ministerial statement will be made shortly. It is now clear that what the Government was until last night insisting was a routine training exercise was in fact a full scale real anti-terrorist action. It is believed to involve Dungeness nuclear power station. Over to Number Ten now.” “Good morning. As you will by now be aware, a serious incident has occurred at Dungeness power station. Two nights ago, a group of terrorists attacked and took control of a part of the complex for a time. We were able to put into effect a contingency plan to rapidly re-take control of the power station, which, thanks to the swift action of our armed forces, was achieved with minimal damage. Unfortunately, though, the terrorists did cause some damage before our troops arrived. British Nuclear Fuels Limited, the operators of Dungeness, assure me that they will rapidly have the situation under control at the plant. COBRA has been meeting regularly. Purely as a precaution, we have decided to evacuate the immediate area. You will understand that this needed to be done in utmost secrecy, but we will issue more details as soon as we can.” “And we’re going over live to Caroline Wyatt, at Romney. What can you see down there, Caroline?” “Chris, we have seen lots of comings and goings, but the Army is maintaining a total exclusion zone over the whole Romney area. There has been a sense of confusion, with residents initially advised to evacuate, but then told to stay indoors and keep doors and windows closed. We have been told by residents trapped in the zone, that body bags have been seen on army lorries, presumably the terrorists…”  Day 4 “A clearer picture is emerging of the terrorist attack on Thursday night. It seems a group of suicide bombers took control of the site. They must have had an intimate knowledge of the operation and layout of the plant. It is thought at least one of them worked there. They took a number of hostages and forced them to drain the coolant from the reactors and spent fuel rod tanks. This has led to some damage to the fissile material, though it is not clear to what extent. Equipment was also damaged by explosions. The terrorists were able to keep hold of the main core areas and control room until the following day, but appear to have been taken out by special forces; and we understand there were some casualties in the army and among BNL staff at the plant.” Day 5 “It’s now clear that the reactor core was damaged and may be cracked. There is a possibility according to off the record briefings that a very limited amount of radioactive material has escaped. Professor Bryant of the Nuclear Research Institute spoke to us earlier.” “We thought the design of the reactor housing was bomb proof and even capable of withstanding a plane crashing on to it, but no-one envisaged a scenario where suicidal maniacs would take control and deliberately drain and vent the core, then blow up the supply pipes, even though this would jeopardise their own lives – not to mention the poor staff present in the building….” “Reports are coming in from a hospital in Cheltenham, the base of the SAS, that some service personnel have been admitted with radiation sickness….” Day 6 “With levels of radiation in the plant rising to such an extent that experts cannot approach the reactor core safely, residents have been asked to evacuate a 20km exclusion zone immediately, with those in a 30km zone asked to remain on standby, and to keep indoors. I’m here in Folkestone on the Hythe road, which is being evacuated now. I think it’s fair to say people are anxious and there has been some sense of controlled panic, but the mood remains calm.” “Yes, the exclusion zone does make it sound like Fukushima. But this is not another Fukushima. The plant is completely different and built to higher standards. And it was clear the Japanese plant was not correctly managed, with more spent fuel on site than was meant to be stored. Also there was no power to replace the coolant for weeks, which meant they had to pump sea water in to the containment vessels. Here we have power and so on. Though there are reports of severe damage to the control equipment and supply pipes. The problem is really getting safe access when radioactivity is so high.” Day 7 “David Shukman, our science correspondent, reports.” “Why it’s proving difficult to get on with repairs is that, with radioactive levels rising to over 100 millisiverts in the plant housing, workers can get a year’s safe dose of radioactivity within less than 15 minutes. There’s some very brave people down there. But the fact is that the situation is getting worse, and radiation levels are rising.” “The entire coastal area from the western suburbs of Folkestone nearly to Hastings has been evacuated, and Channel shipping has been forced to travel closer to the French coast. The government say that with the prevailing wind still from the east, it is still safe to use the M20, which is only about 18km from Dungeness at one point; but many drivers are avoiding this route. There was major gridlock today around the Kent village of Hawkinge, just north of Folkestone, where lorries were trying to get by a back road route to the Channel Tunnel. Day 8 “Well yes, I admit, this was a scenario we never envisaged. But lessons will be learnt. There’s no chance of this happening at the new plants being designed now. This scenario will be factored in.” “But weren’t experts like you saying exactly the same thing after Fukushima… and Chernobyl… and Three Mile Island?” “Well, yes, and the problems there won’t ever happen again, Jeremy - they have been designed out…” “And what about the next scenario you ‘never envisaged’?” Day 9 “The French port authorities were today reported to be turning back some lorries with elevated radioactive levels. All traffic through the tunnel is now being checked, causing horrendous delays. With the M20 now closed after a change of heart by the Government, traffic is being forced to go through Folkestone and Dover to the M2.” Day 10 “The Government Chief Scientific Advisor has today recommended that the exclusion zone is increased to 30km. This follows readings of increased levels of radioactivity in the sea and plutonium particles discovered in soil samples taken in the area. There are conflicting reports about the levels experienced. Professor Bryant of the NRI says that the location is consistent with a radioactive steam discharge from the plant which has produced an airborne plume…” “There was a similar event at Windscale in 1957. The greatest risk is from milk and some vegetables as caesium tends to get concentrated into them then ingested by animals or humans. As a precaution, milk, spinach and other produce from the entire counties of Kent and East Sussex is being destroyed…” “Yes, Sian, we understand there were major rows in COBRA this morning as the full impact of a 30km evacuation zone sank in. It will mean evacuating the whole of Folkestone and Hastings and Ashford, maybe half a million people. The government simply wanted to avoid this at almost any cost. Just the sheer logistics of moving that many people is a challenge, never mind where to put them. A large number who can, have already left under their own steam, to stay with family or friends, but many can’t do so. There are over 20 hospitals in the area, old people’s homes, residential schools… the implications are frightening.” Day 11 “Avoid the M2 and M25 as there are major tailbacks which may take days to clear, due in part to lorries abandoned near the exclusion zone. Evacuees are being advised to take special trains laid on from Ashford and other mainline stations rather than driving themselves.” Day 15 “…Readings have been as high as 3000 times recommended levels near the coast. All shipping has been diverted to a narrow zone of the Channel near Calais, and this is already impacting on the world’s busiest container shipping route, into Rotterdam, Felixstowe, and other British ports, with queues of ships building up either side of the bottle neck. Dover harbour, a few miles outside the zone, is still operating normally, but the Channel Tunnel is closed for the duration. The Maersk shipping line has already diverted some of its ships to Southampton, but there is not enough capacity to process all of the containers arriving in the UK daily.” Day 16 “The American State Department and the Japanese Foreign Ministry are advising all their citizens not to travel within 80km of Dungeness except on essential business, and particularly to remove children from this zone, which includes most of London. Hilary Clinton said: ‘We have great sympathy for our dear friends in the UK in this terrible time. While we know that no-one is saying that London should be evacuated, we are advising American citizens not to go there unless they really need to, for the time being.’” “… At Prime Minister’s Questions today, Mr Cameron, when asked about her comments said: ‘We understand their caution but the Chief Scientific Officer has advised that there is only minimal risk of an increase in cancer levels and that is spread over 25 years.’ He thanked the Opposition for their support. ‘Make no mistake. These are difficult times. Britain has never before in peace time had to face such a catastrophe: but our people are steadfast and the Dunkirk spirit lives once more…’” Day 18 “Drinking water samples show higher than normal levels of radioactivity in Kent and as far as the Medway towns. Government advice is that the levels are still well below the safety thrshold and it is safe to drink, but as a precaution recommend use of bottled water where possible.” “The government has released strategic supplies of iodine tablets ‘as a precaution’ and these are being distributed to all doctors’ surgeries in the south east. This suggests that they believe another major explosion is likely from Dungeness. It seems the repair attempts have not succeeded…” Day 19 “…In this store all supplies of bottled water were stripped from the shelves within minutes of opening. Some other produce has also been in short supply, and there were reports of panic buying as far afield as Brighton. The major supermarket chains are having to divert supplies from the north of England to London and the south east to make up for the loss of produce from Kent and Sussex. This is made worse by the problems with importing food from abroad.” Day 28 “With nearly half a million people now evacuated from the 30km exclusion zone, and most still in temporary accommodation, the pressure on areas such as North Kent, West Sussex and even London have not eased at all over the last few weeks. Many others from parts of Kent and Sussex outside the exclusion zone have also decided to leave. Donna Hagreaves has been living since the evacuation in a commandeered static caravan with six other family members at Bexhill.” “How long is this going to go on? No-one knows! We hear nothing except platitudes. Or lies. Is it even safe here? We are only 5 miles outside the zone! And now they are telling us not to drink the water? I mean, honestly.” Day 35 “On the other hand some people have returned, or never even left. This special report by Allan Little, who ventured into the zone today with a TV crew, contains some distressing images of animals left to fend for themselves...” “Pharmaceutical company Pfizer today announced it would be closing its site at Sandwich, Kent. Paul Mason reports on the dire economic prospects for the south east…” “This announcement is a further blow to the region following the recent bankruptcy of several agricultural processing businesses in Ashford and East Sussex, the collapse of tourism, and the closure of Hastings’ language schools. Although their site, one of the major employers in Kent, is well outside the official exclusion zone, a source close to senior management admitted to me that their brand could be seriously damaged by manufacturing or even researching health products in the area…”