Perfectly middle aged

It’s a joy to be totally healthy

As my laptop boots up on the train,

And to know that I’m really quite wealthy

With a house, plus a villa in Spain.

But this feeling of loss never goes now,

And this feeling that I've been caged:

I suppose this must be what it feels like

To be perfectly middle-aged.

Yes, my family’s perfectly darling,

And my friends influential and bright;

And I’ve switched to Rioja from Carling,

Yet I still wake up screaming each night.

And at work I am known and I’m rated,

And I win corp’rate battles waged,

And I dress in Paul Smith (understated)

Since I’m perfectly middle aged.

And I’ve dabbled in shares and in stocks, mate

Because profit’s no longer a crime.

No, I don’ t watch a lot on the box, mate -

Cos I really don’t have any time.

So I’ve started to listen to arias

And I went to that Damian Hirst cow.

Yes, I’m really now jumping the barriers

To be perfectly middle brow.

Yes, I’m terribly cosseted, matey,

And my life is a little cocoon.

And I’ve noticed that sometimes, just lately

I start thinking: Please, Death, take me soon.

Where’s the passion, the joy, the exploring?

God - it’s years since I felt outraged!

Maybe that’s why it’s perfectly boring

To be perfectly middle aged.

Shall I compare thee to an iPad 3?

Thou art less awesome and thine apps don’t rate.

Fair art thou now, yet fair from fair shall flee,

And soon thou shalt embrace thy mortal fate.

But iPad’s mint good looks shall never fade,

And yet more functions Apple shall bestow:

Amazing software, retina displayed

Shall e’er amuse me, when thy wiles shall slow.

iTunes, iPhoto: thanks to Jobs above.

Dost think that thou with Angry Birds compare?

My iPad 3 – my joy, my life, my love!

Eternal loyalty to it I’ll swear:

  So long as I can breathe, I’ll love it more,

  At least until they ship my iPad 4.

After the tone: THE COMPLAINT

Another answerphone tale.

Beep

This is an automated response to your call. Thank you for calling Myer-Truelove on /beat/ December /beat/ 25th! Your comments on /beat/ unwanted item /beat/ have been received and are being dealt with by our consumer affairs department. Unfortunately the office is closed today, and we hope to get back to you shortly. Calls may be recorded for quality assurance purposes.

Beep

This is an automated response to your call. Thank you for calling Myer-Truelove on /beat/ December /beat/ 26th! Your comments on /beat/ rubbish you keep sending me /beat/ have been received and are being dealt with by our consumer affairs department. Unfortunately the office is closed today, and we hope to get back to you shortly. Calls may be recorded for quality assurance purposes.

Beep

Hello, Ellie here from Myer-Truelove consumer affairs; call for Mr Smith, calling on the 27^th. Yes, we do employ humans! I can quite understand your frustration at only getting recorded messages when you call, and in response. Unfortunately, the office was closed for the bank holidays on the first days of Christmas. Of the thousands of transactions undertaken by this company only a few have issues raised by our customers, and they always receive our undivided attention. If you would like to send back the unwanted items you will be credited in full for the amount deducted from your account. We value your custom!

Beep

Hello, Ellie here again from Myer-Truelove. Mr Smith, I sincerely apologise for the issues you have been experiencing, though yours is unusual as you will appreciate. I realise you have no experience in transporting livestock, and when we just asked you to return the birds yesterday it seemed a little thoughtless. I hadn’t realised they were alive in fact. We will contact you in the next few days and arrange for the unwanted items to be picked up by a livestock carrier specialist. In the meantime if you could keep them fed and watered we would be really grateful. As a goodwill gesture senior management have agreed that you can keep the pear trees, but not the partridges.

Beep

Hello, Mr Smith? What can I say? I really sincerely apologise for the continuing problem. It has been tracked down to a bug in the dispatch centre server in Bracknell. As a result, since the first day of Christmas, Myer-Truelove have sent to you various birds: I believe today's shipment included four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves and yet another partridge in a pear tree. Let me assure you we have our best brains working on it even though it’s still the holiday. I can understand your comment that you are not running a ruddy zoo.

We have contacted the RSPCA and they recommend that the French hens are kept separate from the turtle doves and calling birds, as they can attack without warning. The partridges are docile and will most probably stay in their pear trees, so no worries there. We will of course reimburse you for reasonable costs incurred in continuing to look after the birds.

Purely as a gesture of goodwill we have today dispatched a lovely gold ring from our Serenity range, entirely free, for your good lady wife.

Beep

Mr Smith. Oh dear, I am so sorry about all this. Five gold rings! We did indeed only mean to send one ring and would be so grateful if you could return the other four when the birds are collected. Similarly I note that yet another batch of birds has arrived adding insult to injury. Unfortunately we cannot let the deliverer take away the unordered items as we do not have a contract with them for that. We are arranging a special collection, but at this time of the year – well, you know how things are!

Beep

Yes, Mr Smith, I am aware that your original order was for one organic goose, and I am truly sorry that you have today finally received six. And that they are alive when you clearly specified oven ready. If you now want to return all six that’s absolutely fine. Though I can confirm they are organic. I suppose you wanted it for Christmas dinner though. By all means keep the eggs you say they are a-laying. Our records show that along with all the livestock - sent yet again! - we also mistakenly dispatched a further set of gold rings, though I notice you did not mention receiving them in your message. We also need these back, I’m afraid.

Beep

It’s Ellie again. Well, it's the eighth day of Christmas already and first of all let me wish you a happy new year, Mr Smith! Though I expect you are none too happy at the moment, especially… well… getting the swans must have been particularly distressing to you and your good lady wife. Especially if you had been up celebrating. Probably the swans weren’t too chuffed either. (Just my little joke!) Lucky you have the pool.

As it happens, I was indeed aware that swans are the property of the Queen. I imagine that if returned unharmed this shouldn’t be a problem, but I’m checking with our legal department just in case. I hope the feedstock we sent arrived safely.

I’m grateful to you for counting up all the animals received to date. 69 tallies exactly with our despatch records. At least that part of the software is working correctly! You don’t mention the 15 gold rings….

Beep

Oh dear, Mr Smith: things do seem to be getting rather out of hand. The problem has spread to the bookings management software of Myer-Truelove Recruitment, our sister staff agency at Virginia Water. That probably explains the milkmaids who arrived this morning at 6:00am. I appreciate how inconvenient that must have been, and can only apologise again. Their normal start time is before dawn, I’m afraid: you’re lucky it’s not the summer. Presumably you don’t have cows? Not yet anyway! My little joke again! But see what they can do around the house, or maybe some gardening?

Beep

Another lot of milkmaids? It isn’t your week, is it Mr Smith? I have tried contacting my colleagues at Myer-Truelove Recruitment – unfortunately they are closed today with an extended New Year break.

Now. The ladies dancing are a complete mystery. I will try and get back to you later on that. Your garden must look quite a sight now with over a hundred of our feathered friends. Please try and utilise the milkmaids: it occurs to me they no doubt have some training in other areas of animal husbandry and could help with the poultry. I wonder if you would mind asking them to fill in their timesheets each day? We won’t charge you but we need it for our records.

Beep

Mr Smith, some good news at last! Our IT manager believes he has tracked down the problem to a particularly nasty virus implanted by hackers in our main server. Unfortunately, to cure the problem will mean taking down the server and reinstalling all software from scratch. This could take a few days, but we will keep you up to date with the latest. Until it is solved you will continue to receive seven swans, six geese, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree - 23 birds each day in all. And five gold rings – please keep them safely. The bug has also deleted the instructions to the company collecting the items from you. I have now called them directly. Hopefully they will be there to collect shortly.

I have solved the mystery of the dancing ladies. They were hired by Myer-Truelove Recruitment as part of a ballroom dancing display team drawn from impoverished members of the former Rumanian nobility. The computer glitch means they were sent to you instead of to the New Year’s parade in London. You probably also have some of the lords with you by now – their partners. The rest of the team has been held up by fog at Frankfurt, they are trying to get on later flights and should arrive over the next two days.

I’m glad to hear the milkmaids have been filling in their time well. So, there are now enough of them to set up two soccer teams complete with subs, are there? I’m glad you enjoyed being the referee – pity about the mud, but it didn’t seem to bother you too much, or them!

Beep

Mr Smith, how clever of you to set up your own impromptu pageant locally! It must have cheered up a dark winter’s day in Surbiton no end! You seem to have made good use of the milkmaids’ time in decorating the floats: ‘Leda and the swan’ with 30 swans and even more geese must have been spectacular, and the mud wrestling tableau sounds inspired! Not to mention the 66-strong aristocratic formation dancing team doing the military two-step down the High Street!

I bet your newer arrivals really topped off a fantastic display, what with the Kodushu Zen Drummers drumming and the Dagenham Girl Pipers piping. More wrong bookings thanks to that computer glitch, I’m afraid. Still, it seemed to turn out well - they really seem to have mucked in with the milkmaids! The finale sounds a hoot!

Beep

Well, Mr Smith, finally it’s all over and it must seem very quiet in Sebastopol Avenue, with all the animals gone, and no more drummers drumming or pipers piping. I’m glad the pick up went smoothly. I hear there were some tearful farewells, and that you are welcome any time in Transylvania and Kyoto. Or indeed Dagenham.

Just one thing. I think you may have overlooked the gold rings that were despatched. They did not come back with the other items. You’ll remember that purely as a gesture of goodwill, we let you keep all the pear trees, and I am glad to hear you are going to set up an orchard as a going concern. And as we said, do keep one gold ring for your wife. Perhaps it will help you to get back together again: though it sounds like you are having a good time with the milkmaids that chose to stay on. But we really do need the other 39 rings back.

Beep

Mr Smith?

Beep

Mr Smith? Are you busy, Mr Smith?

AV will tear us apart

At the time of the AV referendum, the New Statesman competition called for popular songs on this theme.

I thought you were a joke –

My wrong presupposition:

The first time that we spoke,

I loved your proposition.

(Violins and drums kick in)

Before we met I’d planned

More years in opposition,

But then you took my hand:

We formed a coalition.

But the pact that we wrote had a flaw in store:

The alternative vote means declaring war.

There’s a lump in my throat as I clutch at yours:

AV will tear us apart.

(Chorus, with gospel choir)

AV will tear us apart again.

I realize I’m a tart again

And politics a black art again.

Blind power made it seem so smart:

AV will tear us apart.

(Pause, key change and repeat chorus)

condensed religions

This NS competition asked for a summary of world religions - in 125 words or less!

Catholicism: one God with three manifestations; fun allowed if you confess; pray in special place once a week; lots of candles and incense.

Protestantism: ditto (but fewer candles); fun allowed if you feel guilty; pray every day.

Calvinism: ditto, but no candles, no fun and feel guilty anyway; pray constantly.

Anglicanism: up to you, really (candles optional); pray at harvest festival, weddings.

Islam: one God, one Prophet; pray four times a day.

Paganism: lots of Gods, lots of fun, lots of candles and incense; pray in wooded place.

Hinduism: lots of Gods, lots of fun; but know your place.

Buddhism: ‘God’? ‘Fun’? ‘Place’?

Taoism: more Luck than Judgement.

Scientology: more Money than Sense.

After the tone : THE AFFAIR

I had an idea for a series of little radio plays where answerphone messages tells the whole story. This is one of them.

ANSWERPHONE VOICE

You have – eighteen – messages.

FX: BEEP

ALAN

(BRIGHTLY) Carla? It’s Alan, darling. Are you at home? I’m sorry love, I’m not going to make it back for dinner: Claude made me stay back again for some boring problem with the Hayes account. Forgive me won’t you? I’ll be there as soon as I can – might be quite late – don’t wait up. And, you know: I can’t wait to be in your arms…

FX: BEEP

BEATRICE

(BREEZILY) Alan? Beatrice. You did say the Hilton Park Lane didn’t you? They can’t find your reservation at reception. Looks a bit better than that sleazy place in Paddington last time… O no, it’s OK, they have it. (CONSPIRATORIALLY) Hurry up, I can’t wait!

FX: BEEP

BEATRICE

(SLIGHTLY MERRY) Alan, where are you?

(POUTING) I’ve been waiting ages all on my own! Don’t tell me you’re –

(SHARPLY) O hang on this isn’t your mobile number – O shit!

FX: BEEP

ALAN

(GINGERLY) Er… Darling!

PAUSE

Did you listen to the messages, darling? Are you there? Pick up why don’t you? Darling?

PAUSE

(TENSELY) There’s been a bit of a… silly… mistake!

FX: BEEP

ALAN

(ATTEMPTING TO BE BRIGHT, BUT TENSE) Darling? You’re probably thinking – but it’s OK. Yes it was Beatrice. She was just – just playing a silly joke. You know what she’s like! She, er, phoned me you see at work about – something – and heard you were alone so she thought wouldn’t it be funny? I’m still at work now and…

BEAT

…well, pick up if you can hear this. Carla?

PAUSE THEN

FX: SOUND OF FUMBLED PHONE CRADLING

FX: BEEP

BEATRICE

(SLIGHTLY SLOSHED AND A LITTLE HINT OF PANIC) Carla! Are you there? It’s Beatrice. Alan told me to call, er, look, I was a little tipsy. Yes I was – it was a joke, like he said. Yes it was. Really! So forget about it, OK? Bye!

FX: BEEP

ALAN

I got your text. I don’t know why Claude said I’m not there. I really am in the office with my head down. Working on the um…

BEAT

…Hayes account. He’s, I suppose, stuck in his office and didn’t notice I’m still here, you know what he’s like. Just wait there, darling, I will get back.

FX: BEEP

BEATRICE

(MORE SLOSHED) Carla! Alan is worried about you so he made me call again. Look… You see… the funny thing is, I am a little tipsy. Waiting for him all that time. And you see…

(SUDDENLY ANGRY) Oh for goodness’ sake Alan I can’t do this! No stop it Alan, I’m going to tell her the truth! – she’s my best friend: at least I owe her that.

(MORE THOUGHTFUL) Was my best friend. I guess not now, Carla. We go back to… god!... well, long before you Alan!

BEAT

(CALMLY NOW, PULLING HERSELF TOGETHER) Yes, Carla, he’s with me. Yes, I’ve been… we’ve been…

BEAT

…right behind your back. So tonight the little shit kept us both waiting didn’t he?

BEAT

I really wanted to tell you before but he begged me. I…I’m so sorry…

FX: BEEP

ALAN

(URGENTLY, PLEADING) It’s, it’s not like that Carla! I mean I was with Beatrice, yes, but it was just…. (FACING AWAY FROM RECEIVER, LOUDLY) Stop it!

(BACK TO RECEIVER) I was with her but just for…

(FACING AWAY AGAIN) Beatrice, please!

FX: BEEP!

BEATRICE

(MORE SOBER, CALM AND MEASURED) Carla, I hope you listen to this. I’m downstairs in the bar now. Yes. I was with him. That shit. In a way I’m glad this has happened. I know you’ll be pretty angry with both of us right now. I just kind of drifted into it. He’s such a charmer isn’t he? Or can be if he feels like it. I felt awful going behind your back like that and… And you know the funny thing? I think he was two timing me as well. Well, you can’t really two time the mistress I suppose. Three timing?

SMALL, BITTER LAUGH TO HERSELF

O Carla, forgive me. Your friendship means more to me than anything, And I’ve done this to you. You must think I’m an absolute bitch. Please: let’s talk.

FX: BEEP

ALAN

(PANICKED) Carla! What do you mean: “End it all?” You can’t just send a text like that and expect people to… well… Look, darling, pick up the phone and let’s talk it through before you do anything silly…

BEAT

(DAWNING REALISATION) Or did you mean “end us” – “end our relationship”? Darling, don’t be daft. Let’s talk it through OK? Arguing by text is not the way. Call me.

FX: BEEP

BEATRICE

(SOME DAYS LATER, FRESH AND CALM) Carla, I’ve made the booking. You know, you’re so cool about this. I would totally understand if you didn’t want to see me again. I enjoyed the chat last night. I hope you’re sleeping it off now. Something about the scales falling from our eyes?

CHUCKLING

Whatever.

BEAT

Now I see what a total idiot I was. We had such a meeting of minds about him, didn’t we? Somehow it feels like we are closer than ever. It was just like the old days when we chatted deep into the night about men and, oh, everything and nothing. O, by the way, I checked about that receipt: your suspicions were right: that was definitely a time I wasn’t shagging Alan. So there is another poor bitch being shafted by that bastard. Anyway, I’ll pick you up just before one; I’ve booked the Ayurveda Spa; it will be just like old times!

FX: BEEP

ALAN

(SUPPRESSED ANGER) Carla. This is stupid! I know I’ve been… it was nothing, really, with Beatrice. I really wouldn’t have done anything to hurt you, but she practically… well, practically forced me into it. She can be a real charmer when she has a mind to. And she was your best friend too! I always said there was something about her, didn’t I? Really, I’m being totally honest with you now, Carla. Look, I can understand your anger. But locking me out? And no, I can’t afford to stay in the Hilton every night. I only did it for a few nights. Only stayed there I mean…

(EXASPERATED) O, you know what I mean!

BEAT

(GATHERING HIMSELF; PLEADING) Remember the good times we had. I don’t know what that bitch Beatrice has been saying. She was always a bad influence on you. It was nothing. I’m lost, darling. Lost. Really.

BEAT

Call me.

FX: BEEP

BEATRICE

Carla, dear. That was delightful. You can’t beat a good firm massage and a good slag about men. Who needs ‘em? Mind you, that masseur….! I think we about got Alan in perspective today, both of us. It was so good to spend time with you and not feel guilty any more.

FX: BEEP

ALAN

Carla?

FX: BEEP

ALAN

Carla!

FX: BEEP

ALAN

Carla, you’re driving me crazy. I’m sitting right outside the house in the car. For over an hour now. I was going to come and bang on the door. Or something. I don’t know.

BEAT

I’m just going crazy, Carla. I miss you. And the house of course. You know, I could have sworn there was someone else in there just now. I phoned, but you never pick up. I’m just sitting here, ready to come in if you ask, Carla…

BEAT

Wishful thinking, I suppose. Then I thought I saw a shadow on the curtains just now. Another shadow, close to you. But I know you’ve never looked at another man, and you always said you never could.

(MORE PLEADING NOW) Look, I’m sorry. Really really sorry. I’ve blown it, I know, but we can work this out.

(SUDDENLY ANGRY) Stupid stupid stupid.

(TRYING TO CALM DOWN, BREATHING HEAVILY) I confess. Now please let me back. Enough. I need you. I’m lost without you.

(LAPSING INTO SELF PITY) I’m a real mess.

BEAT

Pick up, Carla. Please.

BEAT

I’m going now.

BEAT

Carla?

FX: BEEP

CARLA

(BRIGHT AND CHATTY) Hi, it’s Carla! I wanted to talk, but I guess you went to your yoga after all. My god it’s terrible being back at work! Call me when you get back. As soon as. These last few days have changed me, liberated me. I guess we had to go through Alan to realize what it was all about. That was really spooky last night, with his car running outside, and that weird message. Thanks for helping me through it. Well, now I’m free of him, for good. And now I’ve got you. I love you so much. I just never realized how much before. Call me as soon as you get in, my love. I’ll be back as soon as I can – I can’t wait to be in your arms, my darling darling Beatrice…’

FX: BEEP

ANSWERPHONE VOICE

End of messages.

Gardener's lament

Another NS comp entry

I snip and clip

And trim each tip

Of ivy, bamboo and furze.

I prune the rose

As each shoot grows.

It’s such fun with my secateurs.

I slit and chop

And lop and crop -

Such speed that the gadget blurs!

I branches dissever

For ever and ever,

Thanks to my secateurs.

I cut a dash!

I gash and slash

And prune, and I cleave the burrs;

I thin and cut -

No if nor but -

Just a flick of my secateurs.

I trim and slice

Not once, but twice -

As Monty Don always prefers.

I lop and sunder

The growth that’s under,

Lash out with my secateurs.

Once more for luck!

I nip and tuck

And no single plant demurs.

No errant leaf

Will cause me grief –

I attack with my secateurs.

But

When I look back

I see a lack

Of green, and a thought occurs:

There’s nix but sticks!

What awful tricks

Have been played by my secateurs.